Am I The Only One Counting Sheep?

To be perfectly honest, the ups and downs are exhausting. One minute, I feel as if I have my arms wrapped around this process, and the next minute I’m in the throws of an emotional, painful wave of grief. Throughout all of this I miss my mom and it has only become more difficult to live without her.

Let me start with the very tiny silver lining in my mom’s death. In watching my beautiful mother draw up and take her last breath, I feel as if I witnessed a beautiful, painful moment. Painful in that her passing was/is agony, and beautiful because her soul entered the room to be with us in our overwhelming grief. In our anguish, she was once again comforting us.

In the mean time, I live with a demon I fear I will never escape. Since I was young, I have always been a very vivid dreamer. I remember the majority of my dreams and unfortunately, I experience dreams much worse than nightmares. I experience terrible night terrors. Where most people who dream of the occasional tornado coming at their home or their plane going down then endure a long night of insomnia, I find these kinds of dreams tame.

The night terrors I experience would leave most in a state of panic for days.

I have described these dreams only to my sisters and my husband as I do not want to scare anyone. They are gracious enough to listen, but I always find a jaw or two wide open. Unfortunately, these dreams have been more frequent and much scarier in the last three months. And the ones involving my mom cause me to lose sleep for days in fear of seeing her in one of my night terrors again. I wonder sometimes if I am alone in this dreaming experience…..

I can’t change my reality, so I live with my new normal. The days become more difficult and the grief grows stronger. I am told this will pass. I look forward to that day. In the mean time, I will continue to live my life how she would see fit! Traveling, exercising, enjoying my sisters, enjoying my friends, drinking wine, eating great food, working hard at my job, excelling, excelling, excelling! ETC. ETC. ETC.!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you for listening. For anyone that knows me well, and I will tell you….there aren’t many beyond my sisters….this is raw for me.

Thank you, again.