It’s been a long time…

Thank you once again for the all the kindness and support.

Michelle’s post regarding our past year and a half was exhilarating to read, reminisce, and experience one more time. Thank you, Michelle, for the time and hard work you put into the blog.

To say I have had a sense of urgency to do the things I have wanted to do in my life is an understatement; especially, after reading all the incredible things I have had a chance to do with my family and friends. I thank all of you for sharing your time with me.  I have enjoyed our moments and travels together.

As most of you know, Bill and I have been separated for the past 2 1/2 years. This is probably the main reason I have not been able to post blogs about what’s going on with me. There is no way to segregate the feelings I have as I continue through treatment with the feelings I have concerning the my loss of my relationship with Bill.  I admit I am overwhelmed with emotion!  I have handled the loss of my good health much better than the loss of my marriage.

For the past 17 months I have been on a drug called Avastin, designed to prevent tumors from growing. This drug was incredibly tolerable to take once a month. Unfortunately, last fall my CA-125 started to rise moderately.  From past experiences, I knew this was not a good sign for me.  Dr. Chambers was hopeful that the rise was due to the Avastin, which is the case for some women.  But I honestly knew there was something brewing.  In October, I had a CT scan that came back clear which gave me a huge sigh of relief.  However, in December, January, and then again in February my numbers were doubling.  We decided I would get another scan after my return from India.  Yes, I traveled to India with a friend from Phoenix and met 7 other fabulous women and traveling companions. More about that later.

So in March I had another CT scan.  While I knew there had to be something happening, never in my wildest thoughts did it occur to me I had tumors growing in my lungs!! Not to mention the activity in my lymph nodes.

During my discussion with Dr. Chambers, I really wanted know to know how long this particular treatment was going to last.  I was informed that they did not know!  What does that mean?!  It depends on how well I respond to the treatment.  So, for the most part, I was satisfied with the answer.

Originally, my treatment schedule was arranged to have Cisplatin and Gemzar one week with just Gemzar the following week and the third week I had off.  However, my labs could not support this schedule, so now I have treatment every other week.

I started Cisplatin and Gemzar on April 11th.  This treatment was hard!  I had terrible nausea for for at least 5 days and literally could not get out of bed for about 3 days.  As I look back, I know I was not mentally prepared for this treatment.  I resisted and was distraught about having to resume aggressive treatment again.  Cisplatin is a mean drug!! The Gemzar is not too difficult, it just creates fatigue and some nausea.

My second Cisplatin and Gemzar went much better.  I just gave in to the side effects and was fortunate to be able to spend the time at the cabin to recover.  Windows open and fresh air made the days in bed much more tolerable.

I have also cut my hair short as my hair is starting to thin.

Two weeks ago I called the nurses who care for me at the Arizona Cancer Center to inquire about potentially traveling this fall.  I wanted to know what the average course of treatment was for someone like me.  After a lengthy discussion, it occurred to me finally that I will not coming off of treatment in the future!  OMG!! How do I plan my life!  I have never allowed this disease to have that much control over my life, it was only something I had to deal with once a month.  Well, it looks like I will be doing things spur of the moment when I have a week and a half off.

My nurses informed me I could potentially have a drug holiday for about a month every year.  One can only imagine my response to this.  My head was spinning.  I admit I had about 2 1/2 days of the worst pity party I’ve ever had.  The girls were more than concerned!  I felt terrible about frightening them.  Emotions from all aspects of my life took over.  I can usually compartmentalize my emotions and deal with them one or two at a time but this time I was overwhelmed.  I could not figure one loss from another!  Cancer can be itself a very lonely experience if you allow it to be.  I have fought this battle hard and will continue to do so.  I suppose we all get to a breaking point and at times just have to let it go to be able to pick up and be strong again.  I believe it is with the support, love, and prayers from my girls, family, and wonderful friends that have encouraged me so much.  As they say, “it takes a village.”  My village is incredible!  I thank all of you for the love and hugs from near and far.

I started round three of treatment last Wednesday, May 30th.  My CA-125 dropped to 133, from the previous test results of 288, the biggest drop yet. It was the first thing Dr. Chambers said to me as she walked in the examination room. She was just as excited as I was.  I feel really lucky and most fortunate.  Unfortunately, on Friday I started feeling very dehydrated and had Billie take me to the ER for hydration.  After 3 liters of hydration I was discharged and later in the day realized I was over-hydrated and my lungs started to fill.  I am now feeling better and have been able to exercise and walk.  I even attempted Billie’s “boot camp” which she still does at Michelle’s house several days a week. 

I believe I’ve shared probably more than I should, but this is my life and what is happening.

I am feeling very good right now mentally and spiritually and am in the best place I can be physically.

I thank you all again for the love, kindness and support.

Much love to all of you!

Colleen

P.S. Here are the family photos we took in March – thanks to Cassie Triano.