Just Who Will You Be

Good Morning Everyone:

I found myself up early this morning, picking up Danielle to get a car to her so she could be at work by 6 AM. Initially, when I was crawling out of bed, I thought for sure I would be back in bed within 20 minutes, but as I walked back into the house I found a package in the mail addressed to me. Opening it up I found someone sent me a book by Maria Shriver “Just who will you be?”

So without even thinking about going back to bed, I took the little book and a cup of coffee and sat on the back porch and read it. It’s amazing the things that come into your life just when you need them. All we have to do is look around and take notice.

Since my last chemo treatment, I have really been struggling with numbness in my hands and feet, especially my feet. I find it difficult to walk and stand for long periods of time. My hands are incredibly stiff and I have difficultly picking up heavy objects and holding them. I have been continuing to walk, but have decided in the past few days to do more low-impact exercises like bike, swim and yoga until I am done with all the chemo.

As you can see, I have really been focused in on all the physical effects of the chemo in the past several weeks, thinking to myself, “God, what is becoming of me?” I really hate all of this!! I just want to feel good again, to feel like me again!

Then I read this little book and realized that this is all part of who I am now. Since my doctor told me I was in clinical remission a few months ago, I have really been going through an emotional transition. I become teary eyed over everything! I guess I have been asking myself “Just who will I be” after all this. I have always told myself that I would not allow this disease to define me but it really has to a certain extent. I don’t see myself as a victim but as a survivor. Why have I been one of the fortunate ones to survive this disease when so many have not? Not an easy question to answer.

I know one thing that I really want and need to do is bring more awareness to this disease. Having seen three different doctors and not one of them put all the symptoms together. Again, I don’t blame them, there is just not enough awareness at the professional level or the general public level of the symptoms: fatigue, urinary urgency/frequency, back, pelvic or abdominal pain, difficult eating or feeling full, and especially in my case bloating. The symptoms are vague but if we can just put them all together and consider ovarian cancer perhaps more women will have a greater chance to survive.
Approximately, 20,000 women are diagnosed each year and 15,000 die each year!

I am so thankful to Carlos and all his efforts through “Kicking for the Cure” campaign to raise funds for research and awareness. He put his intentions into action and I know it is now time for me to do the same. Carlos, you have moved me in ways I will always be thankful for!

Even though I hate the physical effects of the chemo it is only a part of who I am at this time. So I walk a bit more slowly and don’t have the strength I once did, this will all come back and resolve in time. And that’s just perfect, because I been given time, everyday I wake up and for that I am thankful.

As for the emotional transition, I work on that everyday realizing I need to be true to me, to listen to my heart and to follow my own path. How fortunate I am to be here today to even comtemplate these things. Again, I am thankful.

Watch out cancer, you may have been able to numb my feet and hands and cloud my brain with chemo but I am awakening!!

Oh, I recognize I am all over the place with my thoughts and driving Bill crazy but that’s the beauty of life!!

One more thing, my hair has been growing back in! Yes, it is noticeable but I am really nervous about growing it out. Will it be too thin at first? Should I keep it shaved until I can grow a full head of hair? I don’t know!! Too many decisions to make. You would think this one would be an easy one to answer but I have gotten use to seeing myself with no hair. Another change in the making.

Well, enough for now before I read this back and regret I wrote it

Love you all, Colleen