She gets what she wants.
So, here it goes. I haven’t blogged much about my feelings because, honestly, I am overwhelmed. My emotions swing on an hourly basis between anxiety, sadness and heartache. I feel as if I am in purgatory. I wonder who will I to turn to when I’m sad? When I’m happy? When I just need to chat without judgment of my decisions? Who will give me the advice of someone that has known me my entire life?
I am scared and angry on a daily basis. I am 32 years old, I am losing my mom to ovarian cancer and there is nothing I can do about it! I am angry writing this blog right now as the thought of not having her here makes me teary.
Watching my mom struggle has been very difficult. Her breathing has become more labored and her eating has slowed. She has a list of things in her head she would like to do on a daily basis and the majority of them are out of her house. We are doing our best of accommodate every wish, but that is becoming more difficult as well.
My sisters and I arrive every day at my mom’s house to wait and hope. We wait for a brief moment with her, we hope for a smile, we want more of her. Period. We are selfish and we want more. We know she wants more too, which is even more heartbreaking.
Where do we go from here? I have very few answers at the moment. But, what I know for sure is that we continue to grant every wish possible and we continue to make her feel as good as we can. If she says she wants ice cream, she gets it. If she says no visitors, no visitors. If she says she wants to look at pictures, we bring them to her. If she wants pot butter, she gets it.
I will miss my mom for the rest of my life. I miss her now. I love you, mom.