Colleen's Journey

Another Day…

I’d like to blog about butterflies and puppies and how we are making each moment the best it could possibly be, but I can’t. Life is so up and down right now. Mom has a good day and we think, “Hey, we are on the upswing!” She has a bad day and we think, “Sh*t! Is this the end?” We are on a roller coaster in which we have no control. Mom gets one or two good days for every four or five bad days. She is exhausted. She has trouble breathing. She is frustrated.  She doesn’t want to die. We all feel this way. Its a horrible situation. I was not there yesterday morning, but apparently mom had a panic attack while only Chloe was in the room. Chloe acted bravely and perfectly and screamed for Billie who came rushing in. Billie was thankfully able to calm our mom down with an Ativan and Dilaudid and a soothing voice. Scary stuff. After that turn of events, mom slept most of the day but was able to get up for about an hour later in the afternoon to spend some quality time with her sisters Kathy and Kaytie and her cousin, Cindy.  So far today, she has only been up long enough to shower.  We are hopeful we can spend a few minutes with her at some point before the day is over. It’s terrifying how things change so quickly.

It’s weird feeling like we are living in a fish bowl. My sisters and I laugh a lot when its just us. We also share a lot of tears during very serious conversations. We are becoming closer as we experience this shared pain and fear. I feel safe in their presence. I never usually realize how truly sad I am until I am around people other than my sisters and husband and then it slaps me hard in the face. It’s hard being out in public and putting on a brave face. It’s hard pretending we are ok. The truth is we are terrified. There are so many unknowns in our world right now. The stress is almost unbearable. I’ve realized the key to survival is to stay in the moment and count our blessings. Much easier said than done.  If I think about the future, even the chores I need to do this afternoon, I get overwhelmed. The truth is, in order to be there for our mom, everything else suffers. We don’t see our kids enough and rarely ever see our friends. There’s no time.  I know this too shall pass, but in the meantime, it feels like we are stuck in quicksand. Honestly, I would rather live in quicksand than lose my mom. We are barely treading water, but the things that are currently keeping me afloat are: God, my mom’s amazing smile, my kids, my husband, my sisters, and the ability to put all my negative energy and frustration into our foundation that will one day prevent other families from suffering the same fate.

I realize as I write this blog that I am complaining. I hate complaining. As I sit here and type on my iPhone, I am reminded that my mom has never once complained of her situation. If only I could be as strong.

12 thoughts on “Another Day…

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