Hello….

Hi Friends and Family –

As Michelle mentioned in a previous blog, our Mom has asked us to blog about our experiences through this chapter of our lives. It has been 5 years and 4 months since our mother was diagnosed, and this is the first blog that I have written.

I was starting my sophomore year at Drake University when I received the call of the impossible. Our unbreakable mom had been diagnosed with Stage 3C ovarian cancer and would be undergoing life-threatening surgery to remove the football-sized tumor in her abdomen. I was 1,200 miles and 3 years of college away from feeling like I had any control. I flew back to Phoenix that night. I was determined to be there for her and with my family. Knowing that ovarian cancer is a force to be reckoned with, I decided that I would leave Drake and transfer back to ASU. My mom did not accept transferring as an option and instead, offered a compromise. Throughout my last 3 years of college I flew home every 4-6 weeks. What an incredible compromise this was. It was important to my mom that I did not give up my college experience, and I could not be more thankful for her persistence. She gave me the sun and the moon; my family and one the greatest experiences of my life. Still, I felt helpless and lonely. I missed doctor appointments, chemo rounds, family dinners, family pictures and more. I missed three years of her story, three years of memories, three years of laughs.

Fast forward to 2010. When deciding what I would do after college, there was no other option than to come home. I knew that this time was my time to be there for her. My sisters had each assumed a role in the treatment and healing process and mine was yet to be established. My mom and I moved into a condo next door to Nicole and Billy. Our time in the condo was the start of another chapter. We became roommates; companions. It was the first time I really began to understand the severity of my mom’s disease. For the first time in three years, I was living it.

In January of 2012, my mom and I moved into “our” home. A warm, three-bedroom sanctuary equipped with my mom’s #1 criteria – a picture perfect view of Camelback Mountain. In May of 2012, my mom insisted on holding a graduation/birthday party that I will never forget. Like the superwoman she is, two days out of chemo, her main focus was not on sleep and rest, but to prepare the house for one of the most memorable parties we have ever had. In the presence of friends and family, we ate, drank, and laughed. It was the true meaning of house warming.

There were many signs over the summer months, from all angles of the universe, that it was time for our family to make our way back together. If you have stayed up to date on the blog over the last few months, you are up to date on our mom’s prognosis. You have been riding the emotional roller coaster with us. You have read about the good, the bad. You have read about doctors appointments – some of which I was there, some of which I wasn’t. I truly believe that the last five years have been “easy” compared to the last 4 months…and frankly, the last 4 days. I now sleep with my mom 3-4 nights a week. I sleep, or don’t sleep, with one eye open and one ear perked. Maybe it was for my benefit more than hers at first. Either way, we are there. Every night I remain half asleep in anticipation for a bathroom break or a cry for help. We hear and experience the things that you all don’t see in pictures. We are having the critical conversations…the ones you hope and pray you never have to have.

My sisters and I have each heard concerns from friends and strangers. They don’t understand why we are saying the things we are. They don’t understand what is happening with our mom. How could they? She still looks so beautiful. My only answer for them is that it is because she is beautiful. Inside and out.

Our mom’s bravery and grace is inconceivable. It is her courage and strength that makes us strong. My sadness and fear for what is to come is beyond words. I am afraid of losing my companion. I am afraid of responsibility, of feeling lost, of life without her. I am afraid of the major milestones in my life that she will not be there for…my wedding and the births of my future children. However, I am at peace knowing that my sisters and I are all each a product of her. Between the four us, we will strive to achieve the strength, bravery, intelligence, sincerity, grace, and beauty that she exudes on a daily basis.

I will continue to love and appreciate my mom more and more every day for the rest of my life. If I can be half the mother and friend as our very own superwoman, I will consider my life a success.

Lastly, I want to thank everyone for your incredible outpour of support. Your prayers, thoughts, and words have meant more than you all can ever imagine. Your love for our mom validates everything that we know to be true about her kindred and compassionate being. There are countless families who have not had the luxury to share their story the way our family has. Thanks for listening. While it may be difficult to find the words, I encourage you all to never underestimate the value in a few kind and supportive words.

Love to you all,

B