Wake me up…

It’s getting more and more difficult to blog because mom’s condition is deteriorating quickly, and frankly, it’s not always easy to sit down and write about.  The last two weeks have not just felt like a roller coast, but rather a tornado.

On Wednesday, we found out that the pleuralodesis she underwent on the right lung was not as successful as they had hoped.  The surgeon told her he was no longer enthusiastic about doing the left side.  Wednesday was an emotional day for many reasons; and ultimately, mom decided that most of the loose ends in her life had been tied up and she was too tired to be further beat up by more chemo, surgeries, and procedures.  She let us know she wanted to go home and live out the rest of her days trying to maximize her comfort in the presence of her family.

On Thursday, Mom was signed up for hospice.  Her dear friend, Rene, agreed to be her hospice doctor and had everything set up for her.  Before Mom was discharged from the hospital, her bedroom had been prepared to suit her needs.  Everything was seamless.  Nicole rode with her in the ambulance on the way home.  At home, she was greeted by her loving family – all of us were overwhelmed and overjoyed to have her back in her own home.  After more than two weeks, Mom was reunited with the man of the house, George (her dog), who loves and missed her as much as anyone.

Hospice has been great so far.  Mom is finally comfortable and can breath better now than she has in weeks.  I can’t tell you how nice it is to see.  It is affording her a little window of time to say her goodbyes.  I am so grateful that she was able to get home from Kauai and the hospital so she can share a few last moments with her close family and friends.

This morning, a priest is coming over to read Mom her last rites.  Seriously?  So, she’s dying?  No…surely this isn’t OUR mom dying.  I had this story written in my head for years and this was NOT how it ended.  I know this is real but I can’t begin to tell you how surreal it feels.  I’ve dreamt this more times than I can count.  Each time, I woke barely breathing with tears streaming down my face.  The pain I felt when I woke was immense, but I was relieved to find out it was only a nightmare.  When am I going to wake up?  If someone can make that happen for me, now’s a really good time to step in.

While I am waiting to wake, I am going to continue to focus on all the blessings I have in my life.  I realize how cliche it sounds, but it is the only way I can function like a normal human being.  I am grateful to be Colleen’s daughter because she is truly the most kind-hearted, loving, graceful, compassionate, and caring human being I have ever met.  I am grateful for my sisters – they mean everything to me and so does the relationship I have with them.  I am grateful for the loving, supportive and all-around amazing men I, and my sisters, have brought into our lives and family.  I am grateful for my son, who is the most important reminder that my life will be meaningful and worth living after my mom is gone.  I am grateful for our wonderful extended family.  No doubt we share each other’s pain and will catch one another whenever we stumble and fall.  I am grateful for my friends – their love, support, and open arms are constant reminders that I am not alone.

Now, if one of you could please just wake me up, I’d be eternally grateful.

Always,

Michelle